But as with being seen on Grindr, or in the backyard of a gay bar in Brooklyn, the “exposure” would be mutual.Īs in every fetish community, the fear of being outed as a participant in something deemed weird or pervy keeps many people, including bators, in the closet about their interests. What if it’s empty? What if we see someone we know? Based on stories from friends, this is a not-uncommon occurrence at some other gay sex events in the city, and the fear amounts to one of being exposed somehow - not just physically, but, in the case of New York Jacks, as a “bator”: someone who seeks out mutual masturbation as a discrete sexual experience. We passed a few men coming the other way, looking flushed and conspiratorial, and opened a door into a short hallway with a ticket window, where a young, fully clothed man asked languorously, “Here for Jacks?”īefore arriving, we’d discussed our apprehensions. After fortifying ourselves with a beer around the corner and waiting until what felt like a New York–appropriate hour after the event’s official start time, we walked through the open door and down a twisting concrete staircase, listening for any indication of a meeting in progress. I first attended a New York Jacks meeting with a friend on a Tuesday a few weeks ago. They take over Paddles on Tuesdays, and on Sundays host a meeting on the third floor of a building on West 38th Street. The event is organized by New York Jacks, a group that hosts regular meetings for men to gather in relative public to do something nearly every man does in relative private. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.In a nondescript building on West 26th Street in New York City, you’ll find Paddles, “the friendly S&M club.” It’s an after-hours space that bills itself as “a playground for sane people who are into: whipping, spanking, bondage, domination, submission, foot fetishes, cross dressing, and all other fetishes,” where once a month, closer to happy hour than last call, the fetish du jour is mutual masturbation.
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She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to (please don’t send attachments). Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders. The more you worry about it, the less likely you are to climax the way you wish. But since you enjoy your sex life, I’m not sure you are really “missing out”. Consider if intrusive thoughts or feelings are getting in the way, and if so, try to focus solely on sensation and the giving and receiving of pleasure.Īn underlying fear of pregnancy, disease or loss of control can also be detrimental to satisfying intercourse. Some people are easily distracted, and this interferes with the sexual response. Another obstacle to orgasming during intercourse can be lack of focus.